Stressed? Depressed? Don't you believe it.
In this issue of the newsletter, we explore the relationship between negative beliefs and depression.
Let me listen to me and not to them.
--Gertrude Stein
Don't believe everything you think
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist I think I've been watching too many episodes of House lately. My favorite cranky protagonist seems to reflect the mood of the times we live in -- negative, irritable, and depressed, with a penchant for blaming others and a whopping tendency to self-medicate. Okay, maybe that's a stretch for the mood of the times, but it seems harder for people to maintain a positive state of mind lately.
There is evidence that mood disorders such as depression and anxiety are on the rise. A milestone was reached toward the end of last year, and the press made little note of it. In October 2008, the World Health Organization declared that, among all the illnesses it measures, "depression is the leading cause of years lost due to disability."
There are, of course, many causes and conditions that contribute to depression and anxiety: genetic, biological, and relationship issues amongst others. I think it's fair to say that the additional stresses of our current economy aren't making too many of us feel wildly happy, either. After relationship difficulties, a recent study showed, unemployment is the most likely thing to push someone into a serious depression. Financial stress and fighting about money can wreak havoc in relationships.
Before you head back under the covers with your Janis Joplin collection and a stiff drink, let me change course here for a minute....
As I have written in previous newsletters, if we believe that forces out of our control -- the economy, the bad driver, the selfish boyfriend, the lotto numbers -- cause our negative states of mind, then we are doomed to be slaves to the shifting moods and actions of others. Similarly, if we blame ourselves through self-criticism and tell ourselves to "snap out of it" and (my own personal favorite) "you've no-one to blame but yourself," we actually make things worse.
Just as blaming others for the source of our woes leads to inaction and resentment, blaming ourselves tends to lead to depression and limit our choices. Blame takes away our ability to be accountable and responsible for ourselves.
Abandoning Blame
It's easy, especially in these times, to blame outside forces for all of our woes, but it doesn't do much for our mood to get stuck on that blame.
Here's a practice I learned about several years ago that can be very helpful in letting go of false beliefs, and in releasing the blame and self-criticism that can contribute to and maintain depression.
See if you can commit yourself to doing this practice for at least one week. It may seem like you're faking it, but do it anyway.
Repeat the following sentences for a couple of times a day:
- I pledge to stop blaming others for my negative states of mind.
- I pledge to stop blaming myself for my negative states of mind.
- I pledge to stop blaming circumstances for my negative states of mind.
Let me know what happens. Does it affect your inner House?
I hope it brings you peace and power.
Shallow men believe in luck, believe in circumstance. Strong men believe in cause and effect.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
Meaningful moments
Given human beings love of truth, justice, peace and freedom – creating a better more compassionate world is a genuine possibility – HH XIV Dali Lama
Recently I have become absorbed with meaningful moments and how they help bring satisfaction into a person's life.
Meaningful moments can help a person feel good, calm down, and discover a new perspective.
These moments are often reminders of the importance of noticing what is around you. Over the years I have asked many people to tell me what is meaningful for them. What keeps them going, what gets them up in the morning when times are difficult? What shifts their focus from the mundane, if only for a moment, and brings a smile, a pause and sometimes a sense of reason for it all?
The answers are often very different. Everything from deep sea diving, climbing Mt. Everest, or planting a tree for a dear friend who died. Celebrating the success of the their children, such as a 100% on a spelling test, or finally getting in touch with a close friend after playing phone tag for several days to tell them about a job promotion. One person mentioned how meaningful it was to pay her taxes for the first time in ten years because she was now sober -- life had meaning and depth. Before that first sober day, she was too far under the influence to notice -- completely immersed in the white noise.
What make a moment meaningful? Consider:
- A sensory-filled situation that bring focus to itself.
- A sensory experience that pulls you out of the white noise, not a sensory overload experience that often generates its own loss of focus.
Many such moments are global - shared with a few million others - like the recent Susan Boyle moment -- the moment when mundaneness and faults of being human collide with humility and the spontaneity of life. Some might refer to it as a "Life whacks you upside the head" moment which brings a possibility of deeper or more aware perspective. Sometimes it is a situation or experience that brings a satisfaction, a sense of hope, and a reminder that tucked away sometimes in places you least expect it, is a moment that will generate such depth that you can be happy or at least grateful that you were there, even if that moment were staged.
Sometimes these moments occur once in a lifetime. There are moments that scientists and photographers seek, sometimes waiting for years in the same place, so they can capture some extraordinary aspect of nature.
These moments can occur every day: your child wins a sporting event or reads for the first time. It can be the moment at the end of a long day when your loved one walks through the door, and you sit down for simple home-cooked dinner or take out, sharing your day. It can be a Friday afternoon meeting a good friend for a warm cup of tea or a cold beer, just to have a conversation. All these experiences can absorb you in way that quiets the white noise, and bring focus and peace.
What if -- at least once a day -- you focused your attention in the same manner as a photographer waiting in the jungle for a rare tree frog to leap across his path? Waiting quietly, holding a panoramic view, then focusing in with the lens at just the right moment, a moment rich with meaning?
Can a meaningful moment, or a series of them, help you experience a truly deep satisfaction with your life? Possibly: any experience is meaningless until you apply a meaning to it. It's your choice, your view.
Be Well,
Elizabeth
Elizabeth Dandenell has a private practice in Alameda and Kentfield, CA, and has been in the counseling field for 20 years and private practice for almost 10. She uses mindfulness approaches with focusing strategies that assist people to feel good, calm down, relax, and gain more satisfaction in their life. She works with individuals, couples, and families dealing with conflict, depression, anxiety, substance dependency and eating disorders. Often she works with people who are interested in using psychotherapeutic methods for managing chronic and acute physical pain. And she can help a person get a good night's sleep, over and over again.
Process Addictions
Process Addictions
Addiction is a persistent compulsive dependence on a substance, object, or behavior. A person's addiction, dependency, compulsion, or obsession becomes the hub and focus of his or her life to the exclusion of all else, and is likely to harm this individual and/or others in other ways: psychologically, vocationally, socially, or physically.
The most noticeable addictions are substance addictions, which include tobacco, alcohol, and drugs. Less obvious are process addictions, sometimes referred to as "behavior addictions": the mood-altering behaviors or activities that include gambling, sex, work, shopping, computer use, and texting. In most cases, addicts are addicted to more than one substance or process.
When we engage in behavioral addictions, we are attempting to anesthetize our pain, avoid our distress, and evade taking responsibility for both our feelings and the behaviors and personal history that led us there. These addictive behaviors can be as devastating and unbearable as those associated with substance addictions, and they require psychological treatment. People sometimes have difficulty understanding and accepting process addictions, because they believe that people should just be able to stop negative behavior. The truth is that people with process addictions face similar challenges as people with substance addictions do.
Just like a substance addiction, a process addiction usually starts out small, and people who suffer from such addictions may have an illusion of self control. Process addictions can also be very harmful. Chronic gambling and spending, for example, can bankrupt someone in addition to generating large amounts of debt. Compulsive eating can lead to health problems and a host of psychological problems in addition to costing a great deal of money, and many process addictions are linked with a social stigma, as well.
A person's addiction to the drug-associated way of living can develop quickly when the excitement generated from "getting away with it" produces a chemical reaction resulting in what many addicts describe as an incredible but short-lived "high" feeling. Research tells us that this is the true reward of addiction, rather than the secondary rewards of the act(s) itself. In addition to the superficial state of feeling good, the addict acknowledges that his "high" temporarily eliminates feelings of anger, frustration, depression or other unhappiness in his life. Realizing how easy it is to get that "high" feeling, this dually addicted person is pulled toward doing it again..."just one more time." This is how the addiction lifestyle evolves.
Behavioral and chemical addictions feed each other. They share similar diagnostic characteristics:
- Compulsion
- Preoccupation or mental obsession
- Continued chemical use or destructive behaviors despite serious losses
- Ephemeral euphoria
- Easy availability and proclivity towards familiarity
- Increasing chemical and/or social tolerance – i.e., need to consume more of the substance to gain the same effect and/or become anesthetized to the dangers of the dangerous drug-associated lifestyle
- Despair
- Development of various defense mechanisms to reinforce the lack of addiction such as denial, projection, or repression
- False nourishment of self-esteem.
- Neurological and chemical secondary effects of abuse and associated behaviors.
Treatment for a process addiction has two parts: identifying the addictive behavior, and making a commitment to put a stop to it. This can be extremely difficult, and often requires an extensive period in therapy. Treatment courses vary greatly from person to person, with equally varied success rates, although many psychotherapists agree that a conscious desire to address the issue will greatly increase the success rate of therapy.
People who interact with someone who has a process addiction are encouraged to treat that person just as they would treat someone who suffers from a substance addiction. Offering drinks to a recovering alcoholic, for example, is generally frowned upon, and likewise it would be considered uncouth to invite a compulsive shopper on a shopping trip.
Understanding process or behavioral addictions is the first step of healing. William Shakespeare said: "Our bodies are our gardens - our wills are our gardeners."