Greetings!
All stressed out and no one to choke? We are hearing from so many of our clients that life is increasingly stressful as the world seems to be out of control. Jobs are being lost, wars are being fought and our retirement funds are melting down faster than a polar ice cap.... How can we get a grip? While we can't always change what's going on in the world, there is a LOT we can do about how it affects us, and research studies have shown that how we perceive and deal with stress is more important than what is happening "out there." As mental health professionals, we are on the frontlines of the emotional turmoil that people are dealing with. We decided to make this, our first newsletter, all about surviving and thriving in these precarious times. Read on...
Stress related to the holidays is common
Okay, you might want to scream when you hear this, but sometimes being under a lot of stress can lead to positive changes in your relationship. As a couples therapist, I have seen many relationships appear to explode in a crisis, only to rise from the ashes and re-invent themselves to become happier and healthier. It seems as though under stress, the changes that partners have always wanted to make somehow seem more urgent. I have worked with many couples whose relationship faced a huge crisis - financial hardship, infidelity, substance abuse - and changed for the better. In crisis, there is no more time for excuses: it's now or never.
So how can you make sure you are one of those couples who weathers the storm and emerges even stronger and more connected? Here are three skills that you can practice:
- Make time to talk as friends
- Turn off CNN and talk to each other.
- Your portfolio can take care of itself for a half hour.
- Make it a point to do fun things together.
- Express support. Be allies in the struggle.
- Regulate your negative emotions
- Slow down. Breathe.
- Take a break.
- Don't engage in a stressful conversation if you are overwhelmed by anger or frustration.
- Take a long term view
- Talk about how you'd like your future to be.
- Stretch your perspective out beyond the stressful here and now.
If you are struggling in your relationship, seek help from a qualified therapist who has experience in working with couples.
Getting enough sleep?
One of the most important routines a person can have to survive and thrive in precarious times is SLEEP. Stress is the #1 cause of sleep problems, and ineffective sleep is a major cause of increased stress.
According to Dr. Allan Pack, MD, PhD, Director of the Center for Sleep and Respiratory Neurobiology in Philadelphia:
The frantic pace of modern society is leaving more Americans awake when they shouldn't be. Pressure to work often supercedes sleep as a priority. Restful sleep is as important as exercise or a healthy diet in maintaining overall health. But in spite of evidence showing the value of sleep, few Americans are able to get the rest they need.
In a recent survey, 7 out of 10 Americans stated they had problems sleeping. This lack of sleep, for whatever reason, is at epidemic proportions. Some have labeled sleep disorders the Silent Epidemic of American culture.
In my practice, I have found that the occurrence of sleep problems, such as insomnia or sleep deprivation, is increasing. Sleep disorders, normally associated with parents with young children and college students, have become prevalent among people in all walks of life.
Sleep disturbances are often part of the symptoms of chemical dependency, especially relapse, depression, and anxiety. Lack of sleep can also be a major contributing factor to the "chronic parental irritability." While a little lost sleep now and then may not be a problem, ongoing lack of sleep has contributed to family arguments, marital discord, poor problem-solving skills, and impaired physical coordination (which can lead to work-related injuries).
How much sleep do you need?
While we all need different amounts of sleep, NSF has noted that the need for sleep changes as we age. The foundation has published the following sleep guidelines for selected age groups:
| INFANTS | |
| 0-2 months | 10.5-18 hours* |
| 2-12 months | 14-15 hours* |
| TODDLERS/CHILDREN | |
| 12-18 months | 13-15 hours* |
| 18 months-3 years | 12-14 hours* |
| 3-5 years | 11-13 hours* |
| 5-12 years | 9-11 hours |
| ADOLESCENTS | |
| 8.5-9.5 hours | |
| ADULTS | |
| 7-9 hours | |
| (includes naps) | |
Half an hour to a hour more sleep each night can make a significant difference in how you perceive your day and manage what arises during waking hours. If at all possible, try a 30-minute nap. This can often help balance the sleep "debt."
How do I get more sleep?
Here are couple of tips that you might find helpful:
- Keep regular hours. It is important to have your bedtime the same time and your wake up time at the same time every day. Getting up at the same time is the critical part of this routine.
- Stressing about lack of sleep has no benefit, especially if you feel you are not getting enough sleep. Shift your focus on knowing that you will eventually fall asleep; if you let your body rest, you will eventually fall asleep.
- If you are unable to fall asleep for over 30 minutes, try something different. Get out of bed, and do some boring task in dim light until you're sleepy. Focus on the idea that you will eventually fall asleep, not what time it is, or how many more hours until morning.
- Checking the clock if you wake up in the middle of the night isn't helpful. More than likely, knowing that it's three in the morning and you need to get up in three hours will only cause stress. Since it's difficult for some people to avoid looking at clocks, consider moving bedroom clocks out of direct sight. The extra effort may dissuade you from waking up. Instead of looking at your lock, close your eyes and shift position, focusing on your breath. This will help you fall back to sleep quickly and comfortably.
- Much research has shown that the "night cap" has a price. Alcohol may help you to get to sleep, but it will cause you to wake up throughout the night. Alcohol disturbs sleep rhythms, even if you don't notice it.
Consulting a therapist who has training or an expertise in sleep management can be very helpful. In a recent conference held by the National Sleep Foundation, they reported one of the best treatments for improved sleep is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. (Click here for a discussion on Health Matters). While medication is also available, learning self-help techniques, and understanding your thought process and response to stress have proven to be helpful for long-term changes in you sleep patterns.
May you have some restful, meaningful moments throughout the holidays this year!
Elizabeth Dandenell uses guided imagery, hypnosis and focusing techniques to help her clients get the deep and restful sleep they need to have a meaningful productive day. One of her primary teachers is Dr. Michael Yapko, who is nationally known for his work with hypnosis in psychotherapy.
Hard Times For Pregnant Women & the Unborn
by Suzanne Silberstein, MA
Pregnancy is a stressful time, even in the best circumstances. The current period of uncertainty provides a particularly hostile environment for the nesting instinct of a pregnant woman. These moms-to-be are feeling the added stress, and so are their babies.
In a May 2008 article published in Reuters entitled, "Stress During Pregnancy May Raise baby's Risks," it was noted that:
Women who are stressed about money, relationships and other problems during pregnancy may give birth to babies who are predisposed to allergies and asthma, U.S. researchers. The findings suggest a mother's stress during pregnancy may have lasting consequences for her child. 'This research adds to a growing body of evidence that links maternal stress such as that precipitated by financial problems to changes in children's developing immune systems, even during pregnancy,' Dr. Rosalind Wright of Harvard Medical School in Boston said in a statement.
The March of Dimes advises women that very high levels of stress may contribute to pre-term birth or low birth weight in full-term babies. Here are some of their suggestions (and mine) for reducing stress and anxiety during pregnancy:
- Eat regular, healthy meals and drink lots of water.
- Rest when you can & go to bed early. Your body is working overtime to nourish your growing baby. Take a sick/vacation day.
- Try relaxing with deep-breathing exercises, yoga, meditation, stretching, or listening to music.
- Get regular exercise like swimming or walking (with your healthcare provider's permission).
- Resist urges to drink alcohol, smoke, or take drugs (except those prescribed by your healthcare provider).
- Stay away from stressful people and situations, whenever possible.
- Don't overdo the pregnancy books & websites. Obsessing about every possible catastrophe won't be helpful right now.
- Go to all your prenatal care appointments. You'll feel less stressed because you know that you're doing the best for your baby.
- Talk to your partner, friends, relatives, and healthcare providers. If you feel overwhelmed, ask your healthcare provider to refer you to a therapist. Getting help during pregnancy will protect you and your baby from unnecessary risks and reduce your chances of postpartum anxiety and depression.
Suzanne Silberstein is a Marriage & Family Therapist Registered Intern #55952, supervised by Sinead Smyth, LMFT. MFC # 36400
Happiness in Hard Times
As a therapist specializing in trauma and addiction, it never ceases to amaze me how resilient the human spirit is. In the face of hardship or trauma, clients courageously follow their raw need for human connection, safety, direction, love, and meaning. More times than not, new clients answer the opening question, "What do you want out of therapy?" with "I just want to be happy!" When asked what happiness looks like, almost all are stumped. Many become bewildered with their inability to give a personal description of happiness. This begs the next question: "If happiness paraded in front of you, would you recognize it? "
In today's economic gloom and hectic political climate, people are feeling particularly stressed, overwhelmed, and depressed. Intensely focused on unemployment, delayed retirement, mortgage problems, a plummeting stock market, the cost of gas, and diminished discretionary money, many people are losing any semblance of safety or predictability. This sense of precariousness is aggravated by the media. They do such an excellent job of showing us so many negative things happening in the world via radio, television, and the internet that a great number of people are struggling to be happy. On top of all that, we all have our own and very real internal problems.
If there is any science to happiness during tough current times, I believe it centers of adaptation to tough times. In Dan Gilbert's book, Stumbling on Happiness, he states that people make the common mistake of underestimating their ability to adapt to new conditions. The economic crisis might indeed impair our happiness, for example, but it is important to recognize that we will probably adapt, and more swiftly than we might expect.
Here are some suggestions, taken from Dan Gilbert and other authors, that you can use to invite happiness in your life:
- Give yourself permission to be human. Feelings are not illogical or logical; they just "are." If you accept your difficult emotions-such as anxiety or fear-during these times, you are more likely to overcome them. The likely outcome of rejecting emotions, whether positive or negative, is frustration, stagnation, and unhappiness.
- Happiness is not just a feeling from the heart. It also depends on our state of mind. At the core, happiness does not rely on how much is in our bank account, the clothes we wear, or our job position. We can shape our attitude when we understand that the way we interpret a situation is based on our expectations and how we think about ourselves. Thus, we can choose happiness rather than to dwell on our current "unhappy" circumstance.
- Consciously invite happiness into your life. Let it escape the suffering that current times may be causing you. Remember that happiness is inside of you, and many of us hold it hostage. Express gratitude and don't condition your happiness on what you have outside of your life. Give yourself the message: "No matter how tough my circumstances get, I'm happy to be alive."
- Adjust your aspirations or expectations regarding income and spending, and rediscover happiness in the simple and small things in each moment. This process involves the psychological process of drawing out a pleasurable moment and making it last. Take in the colors of autumn, tell a good joke to someone, really taste the piece of chocolate in your mouth, or embrace the touch of friend or child. These efforts can surprisingly reconnect you to a beauty that the economic crisis cannot touch.
- Happiness lies at the junction between meaning and pleasure. In his book Authentic Happiness, Martin Seligman proposes that there is more to happiness than pleasure - that engagement and meaning are also components of the good life. During tough economic times, this message encourages us to look beyond those pleasures that we may not be able to engage in, such as eating at expensive restaurants or foreign travel. Meaning and engagement are more likely to survive bad economic times.
- In Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth, Ed Diener reviews the resources one needs to live a good life. Rather than thinking of happiness as an emotional "finish line" in the race of life, positive feelings and emotions such as gratitude are considered emotional currency that can be "spent" like money on work, health, and other outcomes you value.
- Limit the negativity in your life. Turn off the news, and compassionately establish boundaries with negative people who constantly share sad stories and tragedies.
- Remember the mind-body connection. This intimate relationship between the biological and the mental/emotional aspects of our being need to be considered when seeking happiness. When you have a thought, feel an emotion, or take action on an impulse, your body responds. The emotional, neurological, glandular, and immune systems are all wired together, speaking the same chemical language. Whatever happens in one system affects all others.
Happiness is a discipline, a cultivation of behaviors and ways of thinking that promote health. To nurture happiness, you need to take this advice to heart and not cling to fear and depression. If there are just too many obstacles to this process, or you need support and guidance to find happiness in hard times, counseling can help. In the meantime, take a deep breath and create a happy moment.